


As Caesar Crossed the Rubicon

by misura



Category: Obnoxious Jerks - Stephen Manes
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-07
Updated: 2011-07-07
Packaged: 2017-11-03 16:43:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe figures stuff out and makes things happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Caesar Crossed the Rubicon

The whole thing started perfectly according to regulations - which they didn't really have, but given that they pretty much did the same thing every meeting were still sort of there. And also, according to The Schneid in a Doola Cola inspired moment of glorious drunkenness, not having any regulations was no reason to be acting like less than civilized human beings.

"I wish to nominate Back and the Iceberg for consideration as the officially endorsed boy-girl couple of the Obnoxious Jerks," said Schwarzkopf.

Some well-natured catcalls and whoops as both Leslie and Frank threw a few Chipiritos at Schwarzkopf, who managed to catch one with his mouth. More whoops.

"What would this official endorsement entail, exactly?" Sims asked. "I mean, we already support them, don't we?"

A few people were nodding, but not all.

"Also: does this mean we're also going to endorse a boy-boy couple?" Perry Wu asked.

Schwarzkopf looked dubious.

"Are we the Obnoxious Jerks or aren't we?" said Joe. "Anyone in this room wants to hang out with another guy, that's all right with me."

"Seconded," said Daley.

"Opposed," said The Schneid. "For the sole reason that what couples do is _not_ 'hanging out'. If that's what you're doing, then you're not doing it right."

Frank coughed. Leslie smirked.

"Can I get a second for my motion, please?" Schwarzkopf asked plaintively.

"One," Wrist said promptly.

Several people threw Chipiritos at him, and rightfully so - not as if they hadn't heard _that_ one before. About a hundred times or so.

"Can I get an answer to my question first?" Sims asked.

"What was the question again?"

"It just means we all promise not to be jerks," Joe said calmly.

"Which we never are, anyway," said Schwarzkopf.

"So why vote about it?" Garcia asked.

"I don't see the harm," said Joe. "Seconded."

Leslie looked a little surprised for some reason. Frank, mostly relieved. At his relationship with Leslie being about to _not_ be the topic of the discussion, Joe would guess.

"All in favor, throw some Chipiritos at the happy couple."

"Hey!" said Leslie as she was royally peppered with Jalapeno Flavor Chipiritos.

"All opposed, yell, jump up and beat your chest like a gorilla."

Nobody did any king-of-the-jungle imitations.

"I now pronounce you, Frank Wess and Leslie Freeze, the officially endorsed boy-girl couple of the Obnoxious Jerks," said Schwarzkopf. "You can kiss."

"Or take lessons if you can't," said Garcia.

"Everyone can kiss, right?" Perry Wu asked. "I mean, it's not like it's complicated or anything."

"Is that the voice of experience I hear talking?" Schwarzkopf inquired. "And if so, who is it and why haven't I so much as heard her name yet?"

"Let's keep the kissing in private, shall we?" said Joe.

And the thing was: he honestly meant it at the time.

He didn't have the least desire to see Frank and Leslie make out or snuggle or otherwise get up, close and comfortable with each other.

Really.

 

"I'd planned to go to the zoo?" Frank looked uncomfortable. "With Leslie?"

It was almost enough to make Joe change his mind. Almost. "I could tag along?" he suggested.

Frank took a deep breath. "Look, didn't we vote about this? To prevent stuff like this from happening? You're still my best friend, and I really do wish we could hang out together more, but if you've got a problem with Leslie and me being together, then that's _your_ problem."

"I don't have a problem with you and Leslie being together," said Joe. "I'd just like to come, too."

"Oh." Frank looked a bit confused now. "Well. I guess."

"Thanks for not making me feel unwelcome or anything."

At least Frank didn't actually say Joe _was_ unwelcome, although Joe thought he might very well be thinking it. "Hey, it's just like you said. You've been kind of busy lately with studying and Leslie, and I just thought this might be a good way to spend some more time together. I mean, it's not like you guys are going to _do_ anything at the zoo, is it?"

Frank flushed the flush of the guilty. "Of course not. We just look at the animals and stuff like that."

"So it's not like I'd be getting in the way of anything, is it?"

 

Tagging along to the zoo had been fun, Joe decided. Once Frank had stopped looking over his shoulder every minute or so (either to check if Joe was still there or out of some vague hope that Joe might have disappeared somehow), he'd become more relaxed, more his usual self.

Leslie hadn't seemed fazed by his presence at all. That had been a bit of a surprise. Joe'd been kind of expecting the opposite: for Frank to be pretty much okay with his being there and for Leslie to be the one making a fuss.

Of course, when Leslie cornered him after class, he wondered if maybe she'd only been _acting_ like she was all right with the whole thing.

"What are you up to, Ippolito?"

"What makes you think I'm up to anything, Freeze?" He felt like a character in a movie.

Leslie might be thinking the same thing, judging by the hint of a smile on her face. "Do you usually follow your friends around when they're on a date?"

"You might have missed this," Joe started, "but - "

"- most of you guys have never been on an actual date with a girl," Leslie finished. "No, I hadn't missed that. Still, it's not as if you're an idiot."

"Is that an actual compliment?" They weren't actually friends, Joe thought. Not the way he was friends with the rest of the Obnoxious Jerks. They got along most of the time, though.

"Just hoping I might get your head to explode," said Leslie.

"Ah."

"Look, I like Frank, all right? And I know he likes me, too. And he likes you, obviously, but if you're really his friend, I think that it's a rotten thing to try and make him choose between the two of us."

"That's not what I'm trying to do," said Joe. Leslie looked unconvinced. "Obnoxious Jerk's honor."

"Then what _are_ you trying to do? Aside from being a jerk, that is."

"I don't _try_ to be a jerk," said Joe.

"It just comes naturally?" said Leslie, with a slight grin.

"Simply because I acted like a jerk once, that doesn't mean I'm going to be one for the rest of my life." Joe'd thought she'd have gotten that by now. He'd apologized - again. Because Frank had somehow heard the story (not from Leslie, Joe didn't think) and he'd told Joe that he felt it'd been a pretty awful thing to have done and also that it obviously still really bothered Leslie and so would Joe please tell Leslie one more time that he was sorry?

With Frank asking and Leslie freshly accepted as an Obnoxious Jerk, Joe'd figured he might as well. Why not, if it would help smooth things over between him and Leslie once and for all, as well as make Frank happy?

He should have known it wouldn't be so easy.

"You're right," said Leslie. "It doesn't."

For all that it sounded like she agreed with him, Joe got the feeling that actually, she didn't. "What do you want me to do? Apologize? _Again_?"

"Not acting like a jerk will do just fine, thanks," said Leslie.

 

Joe didn't think trying to stay friends could be refered to as 'acting like a jerk'. He liked Frank, _ergo_ he wanted to spend time with him. Everybody seemed to feel he should be nice to Leslie, _ergo_ he wanted to spend time with her as well.

It was all perfectly logical and reasonable.

Even the part where they started kissing right in front of him.

"Look," said Leslie, "I'm really tired of holding back all the time just because of Third Wheel Ippolito." As far as nicknames went, it didn't even come close to 'Nipple-ito'. Joe could live with being Third Wheel. "If he doesn't like it, he can just leave or turn his head or something, right?"

"Right," said Frank, although he glanced at Joe as he said it, instead of at Leslie.

"I can be a gentleman if you want me to," said Joe, even though he really wasn't planning on it. Still, they were both fellow Obnoxious Jerks. If they both really didn't want him to look, he wouldn't.

Leslie muttered something Joe didn't quite catch and then she just - well, no, definitely no holding back there. And it wasn't as if they were in the middle of a crowd or anything, but they were still at a zoo, where people could just walk by.

It made Joe feel almost prudish, until he reminded himself that he was looking at his best friend kissing his - well, something-or-another, and quite enjoying the view, thank you.

 

"No, really," said Joe, mustering as much conviction as he could manage, "I think you need lessons."

"In kissing Leslie," said Frank, looking - well, less skeptical than the ridiculousness of the suggestion warranted, actually. "From you. Because you've had all that practice, I assume."

Joe shrugged. Five, four years ago, the idea of kissing Leslie would probably have made him think of cooties. Hell, the idea of kissing _Frank_ wouldn't exactly have made him feel comfortable either. At least Leslie was a girl. "I know a thing or two about kissing."

"Experience is better," said Frank. "And I think I've got quite a bit more of that than you do."

"Probably," Joe admitted easily. "A real ladies' man, that's you."

"I'm perfectly happy with the one I've got, thanks."

"Maybe," said Joe. "And maybe you need to improve your game a little if you want to hang on to her."

Frank didn't even look the tiniest bit worried. Joe thought it had to be nice, being that sure about the person you loved. "Look, can't you just get to the point already? What do you want me to do? It's not like I'm going to break up with Leslie just because you think I'm a bad kisser. Which, for the record, I'm not, and I have no idea how you think you can tell that just by looking Leslie and me kiss _one_ time."

"I don't want you to break up with Leslie," said Joe. "I just want you to put your mouth where your mouth is."

"My - oh." At least Frank got it pretty quickly. "But."

"But," said Joe. He didn't make it a question.

Frank frowned at him. "Look, I'm just not the kind of guy who goes around kissing other people when he's serious about someone, all right? And I'm pretty serious about Leslie."

"Like I said, I don't want you to break up with Leslie."

"What, you want to give _her_ kissing lessons, too?" Frank joked.

Joe smiled broadly.

Frank just looked at him for a while, then shook his head. "That's crazy. I mean, that's just not how it works, is it?"

"Says who?" Joe asked. "Are you a proud member of the Obnoxious Jerks or not?"

Frank licked his lips. "It would feel like cheating. No. Sorry."

"Okay," said Joe. "If that's your only reason, I'm just going to have to ask Leslie."

 

It _was_ Frank's only reason, and Joe supposed it made sense enough. He didn't particularly enjoy the idea of needing to ask Leslie for anything, but if he played it right, perhaps he'd be able to get away with not even using the word 'please' this time around.

"Whoa," said Leslie, when he asked her, with Frank standing by looking a little nervous. "Didn't see _that_ one coming."

Which was a perfectly reasonable reaction, lots better than it might have been. It also, Joe felt, rang just a little bit false. Like Leslie'd been rehearsing that particular line a few times too often.

Of course, given that she was taking acting classes, that might just be the impression she _wanted_ him to get. 

"Really," said Joe.

"Really," said Leslie.

"Really?" Frank asked.

"The zoo, this Saturday?" Leslie proposed.

"I had fun last time," said Joe. "Looking at the animals and all that."

"Say 'please'," said Leslie.


End file.
